Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 00:26:52 -0800 From: Sfcafeguy@aol4tag.com Subject: OFF TOPIC - HUMOR Hi: Back from a great weekend out of town. Hope you all had as much fun as I did. I got this message that said to pass it to five people. I thought I'd go overboard and forward it to 135+ people on the list. Enjoy. Robert ________________________ IMPORTANT: Do not keep this message, pass it to five people. * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? * Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen????????? * If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? * Why is that when the bad guy shoots at Superman he sticks out his chest and lets the bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guy throws the gun; Superman ducks? * You know how packages are marked "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says,"Open somewhere else"? * Why do they put Braille on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when youtransport something by ship, it's called cargo? * You know that little indestuctible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? * Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? * Do you know who in 1923 was: a. President of the largest steel company? b. President of the largest gas company? c. President of the NYSE? d. Greatest wheat speculator? e. President of the Bank of International Settlement? f. The Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 73 years later, do you know what became of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The President of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, committed suicide. * The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship GENE SARAZAN, won the US open and PGA Tournament. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF !!!!!! THIS MESSAGE ORIGINATED IN THE NETHERLANDS, HAS BEEN PASSED AROUND THE WORLD AT LEAST 20 TIMES, BRINGING GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE WHO PASSED IT ON. DO NOT KEEP THIS MESSAGE. JUST HAVE YOUR WONDERFUL, EFFICIENT CPU MAKE FIVE ADDITIONAL COPIES AND SEND FIVE OF YOUR FRIENDS TO WHOM YOU WISH GOOD LUCK. YOU WILL SEE THAT SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS TO YOU FOUR DAYS FROM NOW IF THE CHAIN IS NOT BROKEN. HOWEVER NOTHING UNPLEASANT WILL RESULT IF YOU DO NOT! [EDITOR'S NOTE: The last is an April Fools joke, as far as I'm concerned.]
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 10:35:50 -0800 From: Ronald Dudley (dudleyrd@expert.cc.purdue4tag.edu) Sugject: Off subject, but timely: Today, April Fools Day, I got this funny mail and had to pass it on. Apologies to Daphne and other lawyer-types. Ronald "Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident." Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself. 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14) So you were gone until you returned? 15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 15:59:18 -0800 From: Sfcafeguy@aol4tag.com Subject: Life on Jupiter? Hi All: Some food for thought from America On Line's news service. Robert _______________________________________________________ Vienna VA -- Senior executives at AOL are disputing a government claim that the report of life on Jupiter is an April Fool's Day "hoax perpetrated by online service America Online." "This one will be written in the history books as "Jupitergate," stated Ted Leonsis, President of AOL Services Company, "Federal officials sooner or later are going to have to come to grips with the fact that we have documents, they have been verified, and the public has a right to know." Earlier today, AOL released an exclusive story that a government source had provided documents which show the Galileo Mission to Jupiter had detected evidence of organic life in the planet's atmosphere. Government officials quickly responded with a flat denial accusing AOL of a hoax. Officials also denied that there was a camera on board the spacecraft's probe. The Galileo spacecraft is on a two-year orbit of the Jovian atmosphere, recording activity on Jupiter and its four largest moons. Reports earlier today on America Online announced that data from the Galileo Mission pointed toward the existence of life on Jupiter. The spacecraft recently sent a probe into Jupiter's fiery atmosphere to conduct scientific experiments. "It's unfortunate that this story broke on April Fool's Day, " said Leonsis, "because people are speculating that this is some kind of a joke. Once the furor dies down a bit and the facts come out, people will see we did the right thing." Scientists and UFO pundits alike have hypothesized that the government has hard evidence of the existence [of] extraterrestrial life. However, the tradition is to keep this information classified for "national security" reasons. The Roswell Incident of 1947 is perhaps the most publicized. Many believe that the government is still holding alien specimens of the "Gray Variety" in their super-secret Area 51 facility. __________________________________________ Pasadena CA -- In an announcement bound to produce shockwaves around the world, a government source disclosed a report which states that data from the Galileo Mission to study the planet Jupiter has lead to the conclusion that the lower atmosphere of Jupiter is "teaming with life." The Galileo spacecraft recently launched a probe directly into the atmosphere of Jupiter to study such things as atmospheric gasses, weather, and radiation. The information gathered during the probe's trip will take years to analyze, but the source states that early data has detected the presence of organic chemicals and gasses that are the "signature of life." Scientists have long speculated that the atmosphere of Jupiter may contain alien organisms. "The concept is not that shocking when you consider the many forms of life that habituate the harshest environments on Earth," stated John Furtheminer, Ph.D. noted exobiologist. "We find anaerobic bacteria deep in the ice of Antarctica, and tube worms in the crushing depths of the ocean. While the upper layers of the atmosphere are composed of very cold gasses, the mid and lower layers are warmer and in fact are much like the eprimordial soupi of Earth a couple of billion years ago. Many of us have felt that the probability of life in the lower Jovian atmosphere was quite high." The bigger surprise was the revelation that the Galileo probe carried an onboard camera. NASA never publicly announced that photography was to be a part of the mission leading to the speculation that part of the mission was "Classified" due to strong evidence of the possibility that life would be discovered. This information is bound to further feed the criticism by those who believe that the government has routinely concealed evidence of extraterrestrial life like the famous Roswell alien specimens rumored to be in storage at the mysterious Area 51, a classified military facility in Nevada. What is Jovian life like? "I think we will see the kind of diversity we see on Earth," stated Furtheminer. "I would expect everything from microscopic organisms to great floating membranes that thrive in the windy atmosphere much like jellyfish floating in the ocean currents." The government source could not confirm that pictures of Jovian organisms actually exist. ________________________________________ EXPERT: What is Life on Jupiter Like? (Editor's Note: In response to questions from members, we contacted noted exobiologist Dr. Furtheminer and asked him to elaborate on likely characteristic of life on Jupiter in the event that recent reports are true.) By John Furtheminer Ph.D. The announcement that the Galileo mission discovered organic life on Jupiter has been met with both excitement and skepticism in scientific circles. Jupiter is the fifth planet in our solar system and by far the largest. Approximately 1400 Earths could fit inside of Jupiter. Unlike Earth which consists of mostly of water and about 25% solid land mass, Jupiter is largely a giant ball of hydrogen, helium, methane, ammonia and water. This is exactly the kind of soup that scientists believe existed on ancient earth when organic life originated. Thus, it's not beyond reason to expect Jupiter to support more complex organic compounds such as amino acids, the building blocks of life. Even if carbon, a key element is not native to Jupiter, it could have been introduced over time by collisions with other celestial bodies like last year's spectacular meeting with Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9. While the upper atmosphere of Jupiter is very cold (-125x C/-193x F,) under the clouds of frozen ammonia radiation warms the atmosphere to a balmy 17x C (about 63x F.) It is in this layer that primitive yet highly organized life forms may have evolved. And it is at this altitude that the Galileo probe most probably snapped the very first pictures of extraterrestrial life. We would expect to find a great diversity of biological life in the warm pockets of the Jovian atmosphere. The scale however, would be much greater than on Earth. Think of giant airborne creatures many hundreds of feet long floating in the wind. Some might resemble large parachutes, or hot air balloons continually circulating between the warm updrafts and cooler sinking gases. Others could be like huge, ultralite gliding membranes, much like the wing of a bat. Can we expect to see pictures of these giant life forms beamed back from Galileo? It's possible. While it was not publicized that the probe was carrying a camera, it seems unlikely that NASA would send a probe without one. After all, Viking landed on the surface of Mars in 1976 and transmitted beautiful pictures of the Martian surface. Think of how much technology has improved in the last 20 years. Why then the big secret? Those who have closely followed the Roswell incident of 1947 know that the Federal Government has a long history of covering up the existence of extraterrestrial life. Perhaps the age of silence is coming to an end. _________________________________________________________ Government Concealing Evidence of Life on Jupiter, Source Says Washington DC -- A government source claims that the recent Galileo mission to Jupiter detected evidence of life in the planet's atmosphere. Data transmitted back to Earth 60 days ago has led scientists to conclude that there is significant organic activity in "warm pockets" of the lower atmosphere. Once this information was disclosed among internal government agencies, the Galileo mission was immediately "Classified" and all further release of public information was halted. The source says they brought the story directly to America Online "because the government was likely to clamp down and prevent any major media from publishing the facts," according to the source. Experts have long speculated that the government has been withholding evidence that extraterrestrial life exists. President Clinton promised during the 1992 presidential campaign to release any information concerning evidence of extra terrestrials if elected. However, the issue has been mysteriously absent from this administration's agenda.
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 16:45:39 -0800 From: logan@erols4tag.com Subject: Life on Jupiter? Folks- What we have here is a gag. A hoax. A joke. A prank. A hoodwinking. A bamboozle. In short, there is no life on Jupiter and particularly not TODAY of all days. Sorry true believers!!!! Logan
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 13:55:00 -0800 From: Amardeep_Chana@xn.xerox4tag.com (Chana,Amardeep) Subject: Off topic -- humor As reported by the San Jose Mercury News: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F... you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.